I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
