The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
