I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
