o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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