I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just blew my weed a kiss
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
