would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
