Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
