her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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