just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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