I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
