How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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