he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
