you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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