Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize