Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How does one acquire holy water?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
