I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
