I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
