I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
