I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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