love makes seman taste better
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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