You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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