omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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