my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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