I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
