Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
