I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
