If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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