apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize