Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
