when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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