I'm lost and stupid without you.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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