Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
