you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
