I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
