new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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