why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
