This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
