broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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