Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
