You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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