Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
