I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
