On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
