Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
