I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
