Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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