You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
