My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize