I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
