PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
