someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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