hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
