i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
