do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
