life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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