I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
