That's when you crack a 10am beer
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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