I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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